Just this moment

Image                                                                                                                           Can I just go back to this moment in time?

Just long enough to still feel those feelings

The joy, the excitement, the awe

That I did something so wonderful

So special and so hard as  bring another soul into

My world, that world that was so imperfect even then

But still full enough of possibility and hope

That I did something so brave

But I did not do it all alone

Other brave souls surrounded me and supported me

And stayed beside me for the long road ahead

Can I just go back to this moment in time?

Feel the love and anticipation  of something I’d never done before?

Feel the love and not only love but trust

Trust that love given would turn into love received

Can I just go back?

 

 

I wasn’t going to write today

 I wasn’t going to do my weekday deal today.I woke up just wanting to exist and drink my coffee and for a little bit, pretend everything was just fine and people that I still love and care about hadn’t lost  a man who was half their world . Sad thing is, they’re not the only ones losing loved ones. Being blessed enough to know a lot of people and having a lot of friends , means there doesn’t seem to be a direction I can turn without learning of a new loss  and profound grief  but that is life. As much as I wish with all my heart I had the power to wipe away those tears and bring a lightness of spirit back to those I love, I don’t. I’m just me, all I can do is say a prayer and express my sadness at their loss  and then go find something like this old picture of my grandson and his smile and remind myself that life does go on and sometimes ,for me at least, remembering the joy eases the pain. Good morning Image

Memory morning

 

 

 

 

ImageWell, he didn’t have to talk much then. Seems all the people around him tended to “read his mind” and he’d get whatever he wanted or needed before he could open his mouth. No real harm done,he’s growing up into a smart ,sweet and very talented boy and I pray and hope that he’s allowed to fulfill all that bright promise. Children are these “gifts” given to us and regardless of whether they are born to us after 9 months under our heart or chosen to fill that spot in the family that needed a remarkable young soul, they are precious. Note that I said precious ,not perfect and no one really is although if one is lucky, there will come into their lives from time to time, individuals who ,while not perfect ,come bearing “gifts” that can change our world if we let them . If we  give them the freedom to grow and hone their talents in the right way and not constantly snipe and pick and criticize ,in a destructive way, the very things that draw us into their world can change the bigger world they live in. Understand that I said destructive, there is a vast difference between constructive criticism and the more insidious “destructive” . One helps to teach , the other only serves to tear down and shatter or weaken and while some people don’t seem to realize they are doing this, others ,unfortunately, not only know that this is what they are doing, they revel in it and leave a path of “emotional wounds” in their wake. However, this bright young sweetheart is a positive and constructive young man and he has the potential to teach others and expand their minds and hearts if he chooses to be an educator , we don’t know yet what path he will take but he comes from a family filled with teachers and educators of all kinds. He also  ,like his great-grandfather , has a talent for sports so perhaps one day he might be a brilliant athlete on the world stage but even if all he ever does is teach in a small college ,he will leave behind him when he is done, a shining light of knowledge that he was loved and appreciated by those whose lives he touched . My grandson is just getting started , he has a long life in front of him I hope but yesterday we lost  someone who, though he had lived a long productive life , the world needed to hang on to a bit longer but his body was just worn out. No, Dr Tom Lagow was not my father ,he was just one of those individuals that I was so privileged to have  in my life to serve as an positive example and I will never forget him and when ,sometime down the road, my own father makes his own way into the next world,perhaps someone will remind me that people like these two men  made our world a better place to reside in and that my grandson can too! Maybe ,eventually my heart won’t hurt so much but in the meantime my prayers and condolences go out to his tiny family who are surrounded by a lot of love and support if they need it. Good morning.

 

“Oh, no, I don’t like cake!”

ImageI don’t like cake at all!. I can’t stand something sweet and wonderful so don’t cut a big piece and let me have it,it will just sit there. Oh yes, the worst thing you can do is give me something so wonderful. Now if those who read and understand what I just wrote, believe that, then you don’t know me at all,now do you? Even better is the what I call, “Brer Rabbit” type of thinking. That fox just knew throwing that rabbit into that briar patch was the worst thing he could do and would hurt that rabbit but an ironic thing happened when he “punished” that rabbit. The “rabbit” liked it, he used that horrible “patch” to get away from the torments of the fox and sometimes people are just like the rabbit, protesting about not wanting something when in reality it is the very thing they want. However there is one other way of looking at these type of “punishments”, might just be that rabbit didn’t want to go in that patch  that first time but found out quickly that he really did like being in there and that the very thing the “fox” thought was hurting the rabbit and gave the fox pleasure in thinking about the rabbit’s pain,was instead  not causing him pain but easing his mind and soothing his soul. I used to think that being all alone and sitting in the quiet was the worst thing ever,having someone never speak to me again was just a horrible punishment to contemplate  but , you see, in silence one can find peace and freedom from fear   and pain,provided they are able to hear the wisdom in the quiet. So, the point I am trying to make? Be careful what you do to “punish” someone, you may find that “you” are the only one who is really punished and hurting, your “rabbit” is at peace. Good morning.

“oh drat! the weekend is over and it’s Monday!”

 

 

Yes, little one , the weekend is over and a new week has begun and we big people call today Monday and some of us cry a little but some of us start smiling when we wake up and it’s Monday because we truly do “love” our jobs and  just get a kick out of seeing the “little  boss” walk through the door!  Last night was an epiphany but a good one but I have decided that my coffee best belongs to the “drink in the morning only” category. Yes, it’s strong enough that that last cup I drank last night,well, I was still going at 3 in the morning but  I’ll be okay, NannyB will sneak in a nap hopefully when little man has his and every little thing will be just fine. Love makes the world go round but coffee helps keep some of us awake enough to notice and this will be one of those days. Open those eyes and tell someone in front of you that they are loved and appreciated today,maybe doing that and making a conscious effort to be happy and calm will serve to lighten the load and ease the stress and help make this week fantastic.Otherwise, take a nap or drink another cup of coffee or go to bed earlier tonight,there’s always tomorrow . Good morning!!Image

This is what fathers do

ImageIt’s those little things like helping to feed a great grandson that denote a good father. The big gestures, the obvious things that they do, those are very important but it’s those little things that aren’t always captured  by a camera or even by another set of understanding eyes, those are the things that raise a father to greatness. A hug just when it is needed, a caution before disaster ( you were right Daddy,wish I had listened to you!), a joke told to a teenager just to preserve their pride because it was more important right then to shore them up than  to be a humorless adult in charge. The big things like loving the child ,well, that was always obvious but a lot of those little things got lost in the mix over the years and forgotten by most and sometimes even by me but this year ,for obvious reasons,I am remembering them all. All that I can coax out of my imperfect memories because after he’s gone, those memories will be all we have to keep him alive,his memory at least.Not just my memories, I have a huge family that is full of memories of him and I am hoping ,that at the upcoming family reunion we can share all those we have ,big and little , and do it while he is still here to listen and be warmed by the love shown and the knowledge that he was and is a great father and did make a difference in not just the lives of his own children but in others around him. I love you Daddy! Good morning.

My Sixties …and his

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This was one of those moments in my childhood that I don’t remember precisely but judging from the sly grin directed at the photographer, it must have been a good one. My daddy and my mom are all dressed up, I’m wearing a spiffy coat so I’d hazard a guess we’re either headed to church to worship or perhaps a wedding or some kind of ceremony.  Funny the things that pop out at you when you study an old photo that you’ve looked at most of your life and in perusing my father’s features, I noticed the flashlight hung on the wall. Correct me if I am remembering wrong but I believe it was there because the doorway beside it led to the attic and the stairs leading up there were unlit. My daddy was always about safety and being prepared. Used to be, when we left on a trip, Daddy’s tools and oil and water were always stashed away in the trunk or boot for my British friends.We loved playing up in that attic, we even put on our own productions,” friends ,Romans and countrymen lend me your ears!” brought laughs from us long before Mel Brooks used that line in his movie “History of the World Part 1”  and Daddy was in the audience because the one thing I have never be in doubt of, my daddy loved and still does love us girls. Reaching the great age of 95, it is love that keeps him here ,keeps him still trying to do the things he has always does,keeps that great heart beating and what a legacy to leave behind! My daddy likes to tell  the tale I alluded to the other day about the trip back from the woods with a hay wagon full of wood ,if I am remembering correctly,  and looking back from time to time to make sure I was still firmly ensconced on top of the wood only to see two little feet and hands holding on. I had fallen backwards after one big bump but like my father, I held on tenaciously till it was time to let go which was when the large hands of his grabbed me and kept me from falling to the ground . Daddy always tried to take good care of us, even later after I had reached those trying years of teen age angst and probably deserved to be in the back of the truck throwing hay to the cattle, he’d switch places if he thought it was too cold and let me drive the truck while he did the feeding. It had to be bitterly cold but he’d stick me in the warm cab with the warm air and the warm voice of Jim Reeves and climb up those cold black rails and grab the hay in the cold air. At the time, I probably wasn’t as thankful as I should have been but I have tried to say thank you over and over since then to my daddy for being so good and so caring and so very loving to me. I am so very blessed with the parents I have and when the time comes to let my Heavenly Father welcome my earthly father, I will wrap all these memories around me and let them ease the pain a little and hope that it won’t be long before I can see them both again. Good morning.